Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re a day late getting Krans’ latest foray into the blade-o-sphere up onto the web for eager eyes, but life happens. Which is saying more than a little about this week’s topics: pint-sized interviewers, badger-surfing babies, some discourse about online “debate,” and the latest-breaking news item that is sure to have you thinking “2010!” — ONE

“Did you just call me Charlie?”

It bothers me that those uncouth, kitten-killing guys at StabYourselfintheFace.com yet again make this column, but they’ve been producing some good shit lately.

This week, they featured Jamie Olmstead and Kevin Dowling of Footage Tape in a delightfully distasteful interview featuring a seven-year-old in a blue blazer because Kevin Yee — who was supposed to do the interview — was probably too busy saving the world or something.

What bothers me the most is that despite all my years in journalism, I have yet to find someone who will bring me some “damn good scotch” whenever I snap my fingers.

There’s laughter. There are tears. Hell, there should be an Emmy nomination for that kid.

Because let’s just face it, kids are funnier when they’re drunk. Besides, Scotch, blazers and journalism can only lead to one future:

Speaking of kids…

Behold, a child…

Now I know Jon Julio’s section in “We Are Valo 3” had a song that said, “…a Golden Child. He has come to rescue us.” Well, I believe that was foreshadowing to a post he made on the ThemGoods site this week:

Julio was in the Bay taking care of some business, but also came upon the fabled Jesus of Rollerblading, Coltrane Scott. When Kennan Scott — the founder of the ill-fated Monx clothing line (and oddly the guy who says “Thirty’s the new 20 bitches!” in the aformentiond Julio section) — opted to share his DNA with the world, you get a Chuck Norris-like baby.

Born not in a manger, but at home overseen by a dog named after beef, Angus, Coltrane was hardened at birth. The evidence is in this picture:

See that badger? Coltrane didn’t have to kill it. The badger committed suicide in fear. Coltrane just stomped it flat.

See that boa constrictor and cage in the background? That’s his crib/training room.

Blading has a new leader. I for one would like to welcome our new infant overlord.

Speaking of overlord…

Thumper!

First off, it’s nice to see someone named after a Disney character that isn’t a stripper. Name your daughter “Bambi” and see how many times a guy tells her “Your complete lack of self-respect turns me on.” Go ahead, I’ll wait… with dollar bills in hand.

An edit of Thumper Nagasako made Rollernews this week, exuding raw fucking talent on vert and street.

Buuuuut… it just wasn’t good enough for some people, as Rollernews never fails to demonstrate. Some even brought up stuff from nearly a decade ago, which may not even be true. To those people…

Give that baby a toss when you have a free second away from jerking off to photos of your cousin in a swimsuit.

Speaking of dinner…

Comment of the Week

Such prose, such truth. Some days, however, I find a shinner closer to a shot of Everclear in the eyeball, but to each their own.

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Shred ‘Til You’re Dead, and rightfully so. Not since “Drip Drop” has a trailer given so many dudes a rollerblading boner.

This week began a seven-week long release process where a new section of the online video pops up on the Vimeo page. Those of you seeking some hardcore shit this week, you’ll have to wait longer — the first section is the teaser again, a few commercials and the opening montage.

I’ve seen the full video a few times and, trust me, the rest is fucking high-quality, skating porn gold. I say this in full honesty, not just because I’m Ivan’s roommate. Even Soichiro Kanashima noted on his blog how magical the release party was:

(I had to translate it to English because I am severely uncultured and it’s much, much funnier that way.)

And for all you OCD hoarding bastards, there will be a limited edition Blu Ray out soon. It’ll look lovely next to your copies of Too Much Love 2 and The Truth II.

Speaking of the truth…

Fail of the Week

C’mon guys, really? This blog says a blonde rollerblader is swiping some artifacts of spiritual enlightenment from people’s homes in Miami.

“A Buddha statue turned up missing from a woman’s front porch. The principal suspect was a blond guy on rollerblades (yuppie scum?), whom neighbors had observed skating up and down the street while seeming to check out people’s homes. Residents are advised to be on the lookout for a serene blond on little wheels. And while you’re at it, maybe you should bring in Jesus from the front yard.”

Then again, how the hell does something “turn up missing”? If it turned up, it’s not missing. Ah fuck it, at least blading is in the news with that bad-boy image some people so desperately crave. — Brian Krans

PS— It appears blader legend Chris Mitchell’s book has hit the big time.