I wanted to call his one “Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading,” but I guess that name is already taken.
I came up with the idea after drinking a fifth of the Beam and smoking half a pack of Pall Malls. Then I tried stealing Ivan’s car while he was sleeping, failed to find his keys, put on my blades, skated to the Castro, looked for a transvestite hooker, offered he/she or she/he fifty bucks to drop trou just so I could point and go, “Eww.”
That’s when I realized I didn’t have $50. I later awoke up on someone’s couch. It smelled of two decades of dried farts and a long, Viagra-fueled weekend of giz.
Either way, I saw some blading shit on the Internet this week. Wrote a column about it. Like to read it? Here it go…
Stepping Up
Lately, my mind has been regularly making that noise. You know, the one where it’s blown to shit. It’s like a pop, but with the sound of burning embers destroying everything I thought I knew.
Well, that’s been coming with videos like Wake Up, Shred ‘Til You’re Dead and Truth II. Before, it was the ONEvideo, standing alone. Now, it’s got some competition.
Skating aside, the production value on all of them has me shaking my head, questioning if this is even rollerblading anymore. It’s amazing. Blade porn.
Then comes along an innocuous edit, on YouTube no less, by some guy named Vinny Minton. I’ve never heard of him. Must be new. Anyway, car shots, pan shots through skateboarders to find Victor Arias mid-line and all sorts of crazy shit.
Watch it for yourself.
Now you heard that noise. Creepy, isn’t it?
For some laughs, read the RN comments where Vinny schools a punk trying to say his skill is all digital. Whoops. That’d be the Fail of the Week, but someone else beat him to it.
Fail of the Week
I have a new enemy. Her name is Sonia. She lives in the Bay. She’s a journalist.
She’s also a damned idiot. Recently, she wrote a blog about a rollerblader yelling at people on the Embarcadero, home to the famous fat round ledges. The dude sounded like an asshole, so I understand.
But chubby-face in hip square glasses went a bit far in her assessment of the situation. Although she is an award-winning critic, Sonia states, “Rollerblades are roller skates, and roller skates are for kids.”
And…
Oh, I’d like to yell some things at her. Like how I blade to work or how I take blading seriously. And I have old man balls. Then again, she wouldn’t be worth the time. I’ve had bowel movements with more depth in what they’ve said.
Still, the 90’s grunge/hipster hybrid has me all worked up now. I want to Hulk-smash something. I need to find my zen. I need…
Ah, yes. I feel much better now.
No. 1000
Valo hit a milestone this week, reaching No. 1,000 of their set-up pictures, something they’ve been doing since ‘05. To get yours posted, grab your Valos, take a pic, and send it to them. Voila!
However, after looking through most of them I have found there are very few choices in how to take the photo. Here is my thesis:
The Hold-It-Close. (Ed’s Note: Lookin’ good, Austin!)
Stick the skate close to the camera. Look hard. Click.
The Toss.
Throw one skate up. Maybe both. Click.
The Gang Sign.
Throw them up. Click.
The Where’s-my-shirt?
Take a break from snapping nude photos of yourself for “tonsofunXXXL” you met on Craigslist. Skates. Click.
The Get-a-Friend.
Popular among fat and ugly girls on Facebook, The Get-a-Friend involves having one or more friends in the photo so people must guess which one you are. Click.
The They’re-On-My-Feet
Too much time spent blading to stop and snap a close up of your skates? Very well then. This one is for you. Click.
Hipsters
Put on your best hipster shades. Click.
Comment of the Week
Not you Matt Mickey. Because of your intuition (Ha! Get it? No? Sorry, I’m retarded), you’ve earned momentary fame in this week’s Web Roll. That gets you…
Okay, I’ll buy you a beer at Bitter Cold. No imports though. And no Bud Light. I’m fundamentally against any beer that doesn’t taste like beer. If you order a Bud Light, I’ll cunt punt you.
Wait, speaking of vaginas…
Be-Mag, why? Why make it so easy?
Okay, perusing through Twitter. Got an earthquake. That sucks.
Next is Aarin Gates. I’ve heard of her. Wait, what? “…his…”
While I’m 100 percent that Aarin is not the kind of girl to let some dirty, drunken, delusional, demented demon like myself check under the hood, I’m gonna be certain her second-place finish at Supergirl Jam last year meant something because of her… um… lack of tackle down under.
Small potatoes, you say? Yes, I agree. I know Be-Mag means well and it was probably just a typo, however, this deals with female bladers. They’ll get hated on regardless. We don’t need some message board feud going on questioning her gender.
Leave that shit to runners.
Ubiquitous Item of the Week
The Hair vs. The Chin —
Leno, you suck. NBC thought you sucked (but have since pussy-backed). Bill Hicks always thought you sucked and he was a goddamned genius.
Conan gave us Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, a character I’ve modeled my entire life after.
As always, if you don’t like it, eat my shit.
very good krans, you nailed my life!
I liked this one !good job krans.that chick is a bitch!
haha awesome web roll dude.
fuck tha journalist shes just mad b/c she is fat!
the edit is also the shit i like it no bangers just smoooth ass rolling….
p.s. just because u live on the other side of the country doesnt mean you cant call a mother fucker once in awhile
peace
Can’t wait for another FOOTAGE TAPE webisode. Brian, you’re a stand up comedian on stage in rollerblades
This is one of the best.The funniest yet.thanks krans
love the current events good job there lil feller
Hahhaha its so funny the only people who hate blading are ugly fat suck at skateboarding or just hate everything anyways. I work at a company in downtown boston and everybody knows I blade and every person thinks its rad. There are 150 people in the company and I’m consistantly asked questions. God that sonia chick is gross.
Are you guys on steroids or something? You seem awfully mad for a bunch of people who careen around town on children’s toys…
Hey old man. What’s the hardest part about rollerblading?
-Telling your parents that you ARE GAY!
If you had a set of functioning, non-old man balls, you wouldn’t post pictures of people with killer blogs on your stupid-ass rollerblading website. Who does that? Sonia’s merely reporting the facts about the asswipes who accost people on the Embarcadero. Fortunately, she’s hot. But if some weirdo rollerblading stalker comes after her because of your idiotic “editorial” decision, you will have to contend with ME and my posse.
Now, go back to Kentucky or wherever the hell you came from, and come out to your parents immediately. If you need help finding the right words (obviously you struggle), Sonia would be happy to draft a script for you. Please let us know how it goes.
Best of luck!
One more thing. This is you, right? “I really, really hope there is a God and he hates people without a sense of humor. We can’t take jokes. We take everything seriously. Everyone has feelings. No one should ever, ever hurt them. “
Yeah, that was me. I also wrote: “Don’t ever, ever take anything I write seriously.”
Have a splendid day.
Also, I look forward to meeting your “posse.” I’ll bring balloons.
Oh, you call that drivel writing? Why don’t you just stick to the two things you do best: “blading” and being gay.
Nothing more ignorant than using the term “gay” as a derogatory cut down. Nice.
The majority of the world is completely ignorant about what we refer to as rollerblading. Sonia is the just the epitome of that ignorance this week. Next week it will be someone or something different and hopefully Krans will tear them down just as justly.
These reasons are why I will continue reading.
I think its real professional for a journalist to even respond if we are so gay why bother?
It was a joke. And i can say it because I’m a big old dyke. Clearly, the rollerblading community doesn’t have a sense of humor, either.
Hahah oh the classic what’s the hardest part of blading joke hahaha where do you come up with this stuff? Must be tv.
Corso, first off, I’m not that good at blading. I’m better at talking smack. Secondly, I doubt the gay community would have me. I’m not that snappy of a dresser and don’t like musicals. Or penises inside any orifice. (But thanks for trying to get me to think I was gay. I know you were really, really hoping I was. Sorry) Then again, the prose you’ve slathered on her did give me a broner. Maybe, someday, me write pretty like you.
This is the best webroll ever
Nope.
Many of us do not have a sense of humor when anyone decides to spew their ignorant bullshit about something we love without any comprehension or understanding of what we actually do in the first place.
Wait, isn’t what you do skate on rollerblades? It seems pretty obvious.
this was a great read to all these haters eat a bag of dicks rollerblading is the shit
Stay classy, ONE readers!
Oh, my bad, Krans. Of course you’re not gay! You work for a magazine with cover boys. Where are the women in this mag? I see an occasional token groupie girl, but would like to see more female rollerbladers. Maybe for next month’s issue, you can do a photo shoot in our beloved Castro, where you would have your choice of beautiful cover boys and penises in whatever orifice you’d like.
I too would love to see more girls rollerblade. However, the ones we have kick ass so I can’t complain there. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who can shred!
It’s too bad she had a bad experience with a rollerblader. I’m sure if she actually tried it out she would appreciate the benefits our sport has to offer; like weight loss.
I’m a size two, Chris. I go to yoga three times a week, and I’m probably in better shape than you. So, suck it.
I’m a size two, Chris. I go to yoga three times a week. I’m probably in better shape than you, so suck it!
There are plenty of girls in Boston that blade check out Harvard or the Charles river on a sunny Saturday….
This is the best
Yessir we also have sam adams brewery tons of blade spots and like 10000000 bars
Tommy — Vinny is a legend of epic sorts. He still shreds it regularly out here in the Bay, killing all sorts of shit.
It was a joke.
This shit is B A N A N A S!
I can agree with andrew smolak boston has some hott girls that blade in the summer along the charles
