ONE Staff / January 22nd, 2010 / Uncategorized
WEB ROLL #33: Still waiting on that Heffer…

After last week’s shit storm of blade-bashing, Krans brings haters of all sorts to task, with the full-force of four-lettered profanity and amusing anecdotal reference — which is sort of his thing. But, as WEB ROLL continues to prove, sometimes there’s things that just need to be said. This week is no exception. — ONE

It’s all about the Kiddies

Sally Struthers used to harp endlessly about how much a dollar could save some starving kid in some far off country. She would always say, “It’s all about the children.” Others would say, “The children are our future.”

However, George Carlin said, “Fuck the children.”

Now, when Johanny Velasquez’s “trick tip” on how to do a soul grind hit Rollernews, which philosophy was embraced? Well, it probably wouldn’t have made this column if it was for Sally Struthers.

Here are some comments that followed:

There was hating on Johanny — WHO IS NINE! — his dad Richie, Rollernews for posting it, etc.

I guess some of it is deserved. I mean, there are so many rollerbladers out there that we’re clogging the streets. The money flowing in is ridiculous that we’re running out of room to stash all those Benjamins. The worst is all the little kids that are watching blading on TV, buying all those shirts with Haffey’s face on it and grabbing the “Dress Like Chris Farmer” kits at Wal-Mart. It’s out of hand.

We need to hate on little kids like Johanny because we really, really need to thin the blading herd. As we all know, everyone in the larger society thinks rollerblading is the coolest thing ever so the future of the sport is so damn secure that we don’t need little kids like Johanny or Wake Schepman.

Hold on, my phone is ringing. I better answer it.

Me: Hello?

God: Hey, it’s me, God.

Me: Sup big guy! What’s crackin’?

God: Nothing, just calling to let you know how wrong you are on this one. Remember rule No. 2, man.

Me: Oh, damn. Thanks, God. Stay golden, buddy.

God: Word.

Okay, so I was wrong. By the way, rule No. 2 is: Don’t pick on anyone smaller than you. Hmm…

Johanny, if I were nine, you would be my hero. Your skates look crazy awesome and I’d buy them in a second. Someday — God unwilling — I might have kids and I’ll show them your edits, proving you don’t have to be taller than anything to blade it.

To all the haters on little blader kids: I hope you all get cancer and die.

Eeeeeeek!

Nothing gets me screaming like a schoolgirl quite like Footage Tape! It’s all about getting the right equation down for a good video series:

Scary death moments + girls blading in underwear + section of lesser-known blader + comp footage + bad drunk white people dancing + exclusive video content + celebrating with the champagne of beers – any hate = HAPPY!

What’s best is a look at the latest flick from Lonnie Galla…Gallap… Galapagos…ah whatever… “Fade Nation 3: Green.”

God called back. He is pleased.

Comment of the Week

If you’re not following JC Rowe on Twitter, you are a damn fool. From hilarious excerpts from his job in the land of window tinting, to the most absurd Twittering topics, JC’s got the goods.

For example, a Twitter exchange between @jsizzla and @iamdanielkinney:

What they were conversing about is the “memory” edits for the 10th edition of the Bitter Cold Showdown at the end of February. If you’ve got some entertaining tidbit, send it in now!

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Those crazy Minnesotans are back at it again.

This time Brett Dasovic and Jeph Howard bladed around with their friends for the latest installment of

It’s another good example of how funny John Haynes really is.

Fail of the Week

After last week’s shit storm of comments from people all over, I thought I’d take it easy. All I thought of was the zen moment I needed with Super Mc-Hottie Alessandra Ambrosio being all sexy in blades.

Then again, I hate some people, so, just like Scarface’s exit in Half Baked, I offer this:

Fuck you…

Fuck you…

Fuck you…

You’re cool…

(Psst…she’s crazy, but she blades)

And fuck you… I’m out.

Brian Krans

Discussion / WEB ROLL #33: Still waiting on that Heffer…

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  • Azur - January 23rd, 2010

    Hey Krans, you bloody know it all :)hahaha

    Have you created a wormhole from rollernews to one?

    What will be the outcome of reading audiences that hate, and spreading their hatred from rollernews to one?

    More coverage on hatred posted stupidly. Soon we will get “da masta mound” really trying hard to get himself into one via rollernews and all the dickheads getting excited about the man Brian Krans mentioning the quality of their hatred on next weeks webroll.

    Nevermind, you must have bars and stars up yours anyway.

    I figured you like hatred so much i´d give you some!

    its free!

    Now seriously, if it was real life none of the haters would dare to say a thing, neither would Krans.

    And by the way, he aint the only one allowed to be sarcastic, stupid and contradicting, for then after to be labelled “clever”.

    keep em comin and have yourself a Good dayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  • RyBun - January 23rd, 2010

    You see it alot in any form of media, the news is great for it, they’ll spend more time talking about the bad things than the good.

    Getting someone angry is a vicious cycle, one person bitches and then someone bitches about the person who bitched primarily and so on.

    Anyway, the only attention you should give to someone willing to cus at a nine year old is drawing on how much of a fool they are.

    There should be a “5 people that should be kicked from blading” instead of a whole page of hate related news. If everyday is get someone to blade day then were plus seven, we boot 5 a week and we’re still up by 2. It makes perfect sense, the dissapointment comes when you realise how easy it is to find these 5 a week.

    Still

  • Morgan Reed - January 23rd, 2010

    I’ve been noticing a lot of hate towards blading recently. And when I say that I mean more than usual. I even saw a post on a tattoo website where this guy was blaming some of the recent problems in the tattoo world on rollerblading. Aparently we are the root of all evil on earth these days.

    It seems to me that the reason for all this recent hate is because we’re growing in numbers and being seen more than we have been. Whether they want to admit it or not (most likely not) a lot of the hate is because we are fucking awesome. We are doing all the stuff they want to do and it’s not taking us 200 tries to do it. The fact that people that don’t even skate are hating on us is really a good sign that we’re being noticed by the mainstream again, and for all the people that are spreading the hate there are also people who are looking online to buy their first pair of blades.

    I honestly don’t think these people that already hate us are ever going to change their minds no matter what they see, but it’s the next generation (kids like johanny) that are going to grow up from the get go seeing how cool blading is.

    We all know we’re gonna pull through and that blading won’t ever die no matter what anybody says. We just have to help make the foundation strong.

  • Brian Krans - January 24th, 2010

    Okay, group hug!

  • andrewsmolak - January 24th, 2010

    If anybody says anything negetive to me about being a rollerblader I follow this rule….Punch first answer questions after.

  • andrewsmolak - January 24th, 2010

    There’s probally nothing worse then the aftermath of explaining to your friends or coming to terms with yourself that you just got beat up by a rollerblader. Ask many Boston local haters that have had their head checked by my fists. Or ask the bike messenger who got chased down in a car thinking it was a good idea to try to take our side mirror off with a bike lock…getting beat down by 4 bladers in downtown Boston must have hurt inside and out……PS I am downtown everyday and I haven’t seen that guy since.

  • skate2create - January 24th, 2010

    where theres love for a sport theres hate … even if its popular

  • Lemon - January 24th, 2010

    That “Rollerblader Hater” post was the funniest thing I have read in a while, he’s all butt-hurt because his girl ran off with a rollerblader. It was nice to see everyone else on the board seemed to have a little more sense than him though.

  • Ben Rogers - January 24th, 2010

    Applause for Morgan Reed and Smokes comments

  • JRay - January 26th, 2010

    This page needs to be fixed. Bad HTML, bad!

  • James Q - January 30th, 2010

    Dope shit Krans. These fuckin blader haters just can’t stand change. 2010 is our fuckin year! Do we not deserve it? Hell yeah mothafucka we deserve it!

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