Like you, our novel-writing, crime beat-covering blader buddy Brian Krans spends a lot of time each week — heck, each day — getting his world wide web blade session on through the pixel-rendered majesty of his trusty computer. And now he’s got a reason to keep it up. Introducing WEB ROLL, a new weekly column where the week’s online blade chatter gets broken down for those without the hours to burn online. From the most ridiculous message board comments to actual interesting news, Krans will be prowling the web for the lurid details of real blade culture. After all, in this day and age, you are what you post. — ONE

Pit Stick

Tony Hawk’s tour is sponsored by a hair goop company — among other corporate whoring — so where does rollerblading fit in? The armpit. Who says rollerblading is dead?

This commercial for Speed Stick was like an edit filmed in a grom’s wet dreams, or if a kung-fu movie’s wire team was given free reign on rolling. I haven’t seen anyone hop a car on blades with such style and grace since “Airborne.”

It was dope seeing blading used in some kind of mainstream media, but any blader can see the obvious CGI-enhancements. As if Nick Wood, Demetrious George and Connor O’Brien need help being bad-ass skaters that can drop buildings and hop into bus windows.

Blading and p0rn? Who told you I was into that?

Rollernews posted a profile and edit of p0rn star — and I dispute the “star” designation WanitaTan.

Labeled NSFW — and the letter in my file at work will vouch for that — the profile is TNA with a short box edit (Oh, double entendre!). While the profile might give you tingly feelings in your tender bits, the box session was just another single-box edit normally reserved for a Be-Mag message board shark feast.

Way to set back skaters like Aarin Gates and Shannon Rodgers who got noticed on their talents on their blades, not their backs. My advice: If you’re gonna blade, blade. If you’re going to do it and sport a vagina, keep your clothes on so the guys concentrate on your skating.

On the flip side, based on the comments, I don’t think Tan will have any problems finding a blader to swap nuptials if she so chooses. (But did you hear the lyrics in the awful song in the edit: “I wish I was the one you could be proud of…” Hmmmm.)

Mic’d up

Valo’s on-the-road coverage makes Jack Kerouac look like a pussy. Bursting with daily updates, Them Goods brings all the daily tidings — heavy on the skating and the coffee stops.

This week’s global venture was Barcelona, where Jon Julio, Ivan Narzez and Brandon Smith strapped transmitters by their balls to bring commentary to their skating.

I nearly crapped my pants in shock upon hearing Brandon Smith in all his I-make-it-look-so-easy steez even grunt a bit following a trick.

Julio and Narez tackeled the famous Barcelona Forum ledges with audio attached, which provided nonchalant and funny commentary. Narez’s play-by-play of his AO Unity to Soul switch up proved that John Madden is nothing but a fat ass with a pen.

Comment of the Week

“I wouldn’t hate on you so much if you wouldn’t look like a lesbian. Honestly you’re the only dude here I’d like to faceshank. (including Shikara)” – sup_bra on Be-Mag message board under the topic, I hope Haffey someday makes a boot company.

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Franky Morales spins and wins. Think the 2008 Bittercold. Think the ONEvideo (Shameless plug!). How about his 540 transfer at the LG World Finals? So when Franky’s vying for yet another Best Trick check, he goes for his faithful guns. This time it’s a 900 transfer at the Movistar finals in Barcelona. And posts of the trick spread like VD at a frat house. If you haven’t seen it by now, you deserve that burning sensation when you pee. — Brian Krans

Wonder what next week will turn up? Check back and see.