Hey everyone, sorry this week’s WEB ROLL is a couple days late. Life sorta got busy this weekend, and, well, good things are worth waiting for. Krans is back up and running with full internet access and the ability to peddle his prose. We’ve read it; it’s worth a read. — ONE

Paging the Accuracy Department…

Every week I toss up a random “rollerblading” Google news search to see what pops up.

I came across an article on Boston.com about people trying to get a skate park in their area.

There was some good shit in there like “Far from turning good kids into bad, skateboarding and rollerblading keep them off the streets and out of trouble…” and “Inept adult observers who couldn’t balance on a skateboard if the pavement were on fire, are more than welcome.”

Then, looking back at the photo caption, I didn’t know if I was sad or angry. Who the fuck knew you could fishbrain so well on a skateboard?

Then again, it highlights a major setback for bladers — identity. Too often people confuse blades and boards. I can’t tell you how many times people say, “Oh, Brian, you skateboard…” to which I respond, “No, skateboarders are dirty, filthy creatures.”

I’ve had friends who’ve gotten tickets and were convicted despite the cops testifying in court they were “skateboarding.” A few weeks ago some friends and I got yelled at over a PA system to “get off those skateboards.”

Yeah, they’re just semantics to the general populous, but it’s our identity. So, anytime someone calls you a skateboarder (as if you don’t do this already), correct them.

If they do it again, kick them in their respective genitals and say, “See, if I were a skateboarder, that wouldn’t have hurt so bad.”

A Cause For Concern

(Note the not-so-subtle and shameless plug in the chosen still.)

Something has been bothering me.

While I don’t want this to be a political thing at all, I’m upset over some obvious human rights violations in Japan. Judging by the skaters there, it seems they are mutating human DNA with kangaroos, maybe some birds — for balance and flight — and possibly some cobras for their deadly accuracy.

The “Summer Session” edit posted on Rollernews only solidified my concerns.

Either we Americans need to step in World Police style or get to splicing our own genes.

However, the musical choice for the edit makes me think there’s all sorts of other human rights violations going on there. I think that’s the kind of shit they play to terrorist suspects at Gitmo.

It’s stuck in my head now. I will not do the locomotion. Must… fight… demonic… urges. Fuuuuuuuuck!

“G” is for Genuine (or not)

Submitted for your consideration is the new ad for the Jug HT shoe. It’s pretty sweet. It’s got Lil’ Wayne telling us what “G” is, some slow motion and other neato tricks.

Contrast that with the very-popular line of Gatorade ads.

If I close my eyes, I can’t tell if I’m being sold shoes or sugar water. That’s so weird.

What else begins with G? Gyp.

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

I bet there will be a lot of Chicagoans who are getting pretty shitty-faced this weekend after the Olympic committee decided that the Windy City wasn’t the best spot for the 2016 summer Olympics. And it seems like everyone everywhere was hopping on that fucking bitchy bandwagon, blaming everyone from Obama to Oprah.

Well, no blading, no big deal. However, I could hear the sounds of all Illinois pedophiles crying about not having that many young gymnasts in one area.

Buuuuut, in all things Chicago related, the guys at Fruit Boot posted a nice edit of a trip to California to shred some famous spots. It’s way cooler than the Olympics. Peep it.

Comment of the Week

As usual, Be-Maggers provided some time-killing blade-related topics. One that jumped out to me because of the possibility for greatness was

That’s just funny.

A Fitting Tribute

This is so heart-breakingly awesome.

To blade is to be part of a bigger family that you’ll never fully understand.

— Brian Krans

P.S. San Francisco is an expensive place to live. Buy my book, A Constant Suicide, if you like college, getting tanked, falling down and the slaughtering of innocent animals.