Wow, a week of starring at his computer screen must have rotted Krans’ brain, ’cause this week’s WEB ROLL is a little, um, loopy. Get a dose of what Brian thinks about the video ad for the USD VIII skate, the new VX summer line, vixens sewing Valos and more in this third installment of WEB ROLL, your dose of Friday frivolity to kick off the weekend. — ONE

The perfect skate

“There was a burning need… a need for the perfect skate…”

Weeding through smoke and spinning skates — Eureka! The VIII Pianowski skate is the perfect skate!

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve skated numerous pairs of USDs and liked them, but to be so ballsy as to call them perfect? Well, there should be a 100-percent satisfaction guarantee slapped on that box then with that kind of confidence.

C’mon! There will never be a perfect skate. If such one existed, I feel bad for all the owners of the other companies and anyone they’re trying to support.

The plumes of black smoke will block the sun as all other skates burn in inferiority — or maybe that’s why there’s the creepy gold smoke in the video.

Ode to the Woman Working in the Valo Factory

You don’t know me and I don’t know you. All I know is that you do stitching work on the Broskows. That’s fucking sexy.

Maybe someday they’ll do a pair with red stitching and you could use your hair. There would be a piece of you skating with me everyday. Even sexier.

Skating my Valos, where your delicate hands have been, it’s like you’re always giving me a foot massage. Sexiest.

I don’t see a wedding ring on your finger, which is awesome. If you have a boyfriend, maybe you could use those giant scissors and plunge them into his chest. Then we could be together uninterrupted.

I hope someday to save up enough money to come visit you in Montebelluna Treviso, Italy. We could drink fancy Italian coffee and smoke fancy Italian cigarettes.

Until then, I’ll stalk your Italian ass via the Internet and ThemGoods.

The name says it all

Vibralux stared showing off their summer line at their Web site. You know the one with the great name — youhatetoloveit.com. Even better was that if you wanted to order, you get redirected to straightjacket.bigcartel.com.

I was most intrigued by the Coke and Gunz.biz shirt. I want to wear one to the airport and get some knuckle-deep loving via “random screening” from the TSA.

But there’s a story behind that shirt. CokeandGunz.biz is actually another address that links to the Vibralux site. Important? No. Funny? Yes.

Actually, the Coke and Gunz link can come in handy, say, if you’ve got a really nosey IT guy where you work. Even better, keep going to CokeandGunz.biz regularly if you want the DEA or ATF at your door.

Make sure to bake cookies.

Comment of the Week

This week’s most delicious comment goes not to one person, but to a consorted group effort on the Be-Mag message board, the place where more nonsensical bullshit is spewn on a daily basis than TMZ.

Any topic that starts, “this could be one of the best sites ever…” is normally reserved for the roaming fucktards that spend more time on the web bitching about people’s skating than actually doing it themselves. And that’s fine if that’s your thing.

Hands down, the winner is user rev. the mic, who started the thread. It’s about the site, Omegle. Basically, you chat one-on-one with a random stranger. No screen name. No posted details.

Hilarity ensues? You know it.

It’s a good place to unleash some aggressive beasts on unsuspecting strangers. If I’ve learned anything it is that if you talk shit about Hitler to a white supremacist, his comebacks aren’t very entertaining. Take my word for it and try it.

Ubiquitous item of the week

Michael Jackson dies. Big fucking deal. It’s not rollerblading related but it was discussed on nearly every rolling message board and everywhere else on the planet.

I don’t remember where I heard it, but here’s an interesting theory: musicians die when they do because they don’t have anything left. It’s just destiny.

Biggie. Tupac. Cobain. Salena. They died early and became legends.

Michael should have folded over after the Bad album. Having to suffer through watching someone who was basically a hero in my eyes as a kid turn into such a piece of pedo-freak-shit, I could care less.

I mourned the death of the great ’80s musician a long time ago. This week’s passing was just paperwork for the guy who took his place in the ’90s and after.

And now, your moment of zen

Sometimes I get pissed at myself and want to quit skating. Rock Killers wants me to know why blading fucking rules.

Ahh, that’s better. — Brian Krans