Whoa, if you were paying attention, this was a pretty controversial week online for rollerblading. From a douchey call-out on the Howard Stern show, to bare-all message board threads, and three prominent MN bladers cruising the scene dressed like it’s 2001, Krans had plenty of material to troll through for this week’s installment of WEB ROLL. — ONE

Why We’re All Gay

Because Jason Ellis — a (kind of) pro skateboarder — says so. There was no real logic about his argument on Howard Stern’s show, other than his word.

“Rollerblading is like rollerblading with a deep fried dick in your mouth.” Eloquent and profound, Mr. Ellis.

A skateboarder calls rollerblading gay? The horror!

The real goodness of it was Brian Shima’s reaction, which he e-mailed to Stern and Ellis and posted on Be-Mag. (I’m assuming it’s legit but it has not been confirmed.)

Shima’s argument was not only entertaining and funny, but it was also logical: theoretically, gay skateboarders outnumber gay rollerbladers by 26:1.

Instead of just telling Ellis to fuck off, Shima explained that the groms will copy the same close-minded behavior as his and that’s totally irresponsible, especially from a professional athlete, which I wholly agree.

Skating ability aside, Shima is a great ambassador for the sport because he called out bigotry when it was so blatantly shared in a very popular media.

Then there’s the challenge — blades vs. boards via YouTube judged by Stern on gayness. Oh shit! I just pooped a bit in the excitement of seeing the best in blading put their skills out there to battle the two sports.

Oh, and Mr. Ellis, to respond to your comment “No skateboarder occasionally rollerblades” here’s this:

A skateboarder wearing rollerblades? Hopefully that explosion inside your head doesn’t cause an embolism or something .

Stupidi-Titties

For a thread like “Get this to 10 pages for tits of my gf” to begin, there was this conversation:

The_John: “Hey Sex Puddin’, you love me right, like, you’d do anything for me?”

GF: “Of course, Sugar Crotch, anything.”

The_John: “Well, could you get naked so I can post photos of you on Be-Mag and accomplish my only goal in life? And then, the more pages there are the more you show of that jailbait body of yours?”

GF: “You mean that message board where everyone swaps the smallest skating gossip and calls each other fags all day?”

The_John: “Yup”

GF: “Does it matter if I’m 15?”

The_John: “Nope.”

GF: “Ok. I’m mad at my dad anyway.”

Way to post semi-nude photos of your underage girlfriend to accomplish weak feats on a rollerblading message board. Cross that off your life checklist 10 times — it got to 100 pages before Friday.

Please, please don’t breed.

As if getting people on the Internet to clamor for boobies is hard. It’s the reason Al Gore invented the damned thing.

The_John, that guy hanging out behind your houseplant, his name is Chris Hansen. Why don’t you take a seat?

Remember kids: boobs are like beer — they have to mature to a certain point to reach perfection. Wait too long and they go bad.

Comment of the Week

“I’d fuck them all.” — Bazodazo, on Rollernew’s posting of Evian water’s video of babies rollerskating.

Ubiquitous item of the Week

It took me a few minutes of watching “A Day with Brett and Jeph: Throwwwwback” to realize Chris Farmer was in it. Farmer has his signature look, so when he’s donning gear from back in the day, he was hard to identify.

Floppin’ in the big-ol’-baggies, Farmer, Brett Dasovic and Jeph Howard relived the old days of stocking hats, shirts in XXL and sweatpants. And you know that shit spread like the swine flu in an airplane.

I was none too impressed by the first couple episodes of “Brett and Jeph”. Not to say the skating wasn’t impressive, it’s that the banter surrounding it was pretty tough to not skip through to get to the skating.

What makes a good day-in-the-life edit isn’t two people talking, but rather what they have to go through just to skate, let alone to get clips. Unlike other sports, famous rollerbladers aren’t seen as celebrities in the outside world and still go through the same shit other bladers do — lame jobs, struggling to pay rent, getting busted at spots, etc. Hell, Damien Wilson lost half a fucking finger at his job.

Now that Brett and Jeph are getting more comfortable swapping bullshit in front of the camera, the two are providing something more than inside jokes and names obscure to a vast number of bladers.

After the throwback edit, I’m looking forward to the next day edit.

And now…

Bummer of the Week

Damn! — Brian Krans