ONE Staff / March 20th, 2010 / Uncategorized
WEB ROLL #40: Rollerblading Rules (Bro)

I was on my way home from the bank. I’d just deposited seven whole dollars when my stomach started acting up, calling for attention. “If you won’t feed me, I’ll f*ck you.” It started tightening and contracting, twisting, squeezing any life left within into a potential spray and splatter. I didn’t have long, I had to do something. I started to hurry. I saw the sign of the time, “no public restroom” in every direction. “For paying customers only”… I hurried my pace. The cool coffee shop was crowded with cuties, surely they’d hear the splash down, the thud and thunk of turds. I sped up past the shop and around the corner…

I was half a block from my apartment when I knew I wouldn’t make it. My whiskey belly was rebelling, it’d had enough. I tried to stay positive. The weather was here, and so was spring, but somehow it was still overcast and windy. I in a t-shirt, catching a chill, my footsteps fell in front of me as though a community was behind me. I past the garden rail and saw my fire escape and dug into my pocket for my keys, all while my stomach was gurgling and growling its Taxi Driver monologue. Running was not an option; what if I slipped, tripped and fell, and shit? I made it to the metal stairs and climbed each one with mounting tension, like I was walking on thin ice, or air, or something.

The metal stairs groaned under my weight. It understood, it empathized. I started to shake and shiver—my key dropped. I slowly crouched down and held my breath for help. There, squatting in a near-fetal position, a doorway between me and home and my porcelain throne, my indentured machine. Somehow, squatting felt a bit better, so I slowly crept forward to salvation—not four feet away—key between my teeth, using my hands to balance as I went crawling for mercy. I’d made it to the screen door, the mat read “Your Welcome,” and looked weathered and felt sharp. I slowly rose. I banged on the screen door, it opened and the handle stabbed me in the back. I swallowed my key.

My stomach pushed and pulled my pride, sucking to my anus. Kneeling was no longer an option. I unbuckled my belt, pulling down my pants just in time to splatter graffiti all over my escape and all down the stairs. My ass vomited violently, my farts were funk and rancid, and my shits stained. I looked up and saw my neighbor on the adjacent stair case, watching as I farted out another round. He’d just sparked a blunt and seemed pissed but smiled his white smile. “You ‘ight?” I’ll live. I shrugged and sprayed away and laughed for myself, and then it struck me: How am I supposed to help rollerblading when shit happens?

In a new experimental film, “Believe in One,” Brandon Smith stars as “Mr. Roboto,” an agent sent from the future to create a genocide on his own kind — somehow this will save rollerblading. The story is based on this column. It’s full of insider inside jokes that would tickle a corpse. The film, which could be called art, takes a step back from the comfort zone of the industry; it is a new look, no longer the same high five, blow-and-go-job we’ve been accustomed to in past skate videos.

What’s different about this film is it challenges the viewer to follow along with a script, about being barely dead, and dares the viewer to smell the glove, and to not talk about it, but be about it. The film addresses many key points throughout, notably that patience is a virtue. The studio sent over a screenshot which I’ll pirate for your pleasure:

The new AM x Valo collabo is coming out. Due to the success of the Cool Snakes and Mad Mongooses, they have now decided to release the “Gucci Mane Gator.” By the looks of it, it’s going to be the hot shit.

Kansas City mogul Adam Johnson was recently in St. Louis to film for Vibralux and Street Artist. We met up and after a few drinks made our way down to the riverboat casino. We started off playing Black Jack, and somehow we both made it from ten to twenty to about two hundred dollars. Adam suggested we move over to the roulette table, and who could blame him. It was a casino, no bullets necessary. Within an hour Adam had massed two hundred thousand dollars. I told him to call it quits. And he neglected, “Last try.” He blew on his dice, rolled, and sure enough came up another 50Gs. I’d lost all my money, and he’d come up 250 large. He gave me three hundred for my rent, and went and paid off his home, car, and debt. Not only that, but we got a blitz of clips with Collins, Watson, and Haffey. New spots, new footage, from some of the best beasts. Talk about luck, AJ’s got it!

Brian Smith, Madonna choreographer and creator of such old school films as “Wasteland,” “Night of the String,” and “Mr. Moosenuckle,” has passed the buck on to one of our star athletes (think top two) and they’ll be starring in a new Paul Mitchell commercial. Not only that, but their “sponsor tape” has been getting a lot of plays among the industry elite, and get this—an energy drink sponsor, and possible MTV appearance are also in the works. Soak it up when it rains cats and dogs, the howls and meows, buy in fellas. Well, some might not; turns out Joey Chase turned down an Axe body spray endorsement and is staying hardcore.

In global news, UK blader Elliot Stevens, will have a spread in the new Vogue, seeing as he’s featured in the new Dolche & Gabbana campaign. In other UK news, Leon Humphries has a standup comedy act set to air on the BBC in June. In other over the pond news, 4×4 rider Stefan Horngacher has re-signed to Red Bull energy drinks.

This weeks been absolutely surreal. It seems the main vein of rollerblading has gotten smacked so hard everyone is being shook up, unsure where to sign and where the dotted lines are being drawn. It’s been crazy, it’s been cool, until next week.

Dan Leifeld

Discussion / WEB ROLL #40: Rollerblading Rules (Bro)

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  • bballog - March 20th, 2010

    ONE mag’s distaste for Valo and allegiance to Rat-Tail is appalling.

  • jon jenkins - March 20th, 2010

    Oh my god guys. Sorry Dan, your awesome and all. But this shit is so gay dude.


    Look at other media outlets like thrasher or skateboard mag. It looks like they got their shit together. Pros and real things going on. Then look at this and you get peoples faces being covered up with photoshop and what not. Stop wasting your time Dan. This shit is lame, and web roll makes ONE look like some bs. Makes its obvious that its not run by people who are actually skating.


  • dk - March 20th, 2010

    This is the last WEB ROLL that I will take the time to read. I do not think it is as offensive as everyone makes it out to be because I cannot see how anyone could take any of it seriously. WEB ROLL is no longer something I enjoy reading, therefore I will no longer read it.

  • Alan - March 20th, 2010

    Was this article all made up or some stuff real?

  • dp - March 20th, 2010

    krans obviously smokes crack and had some serious underlying issues.

  • jeff - March 20th, 2010

    hahah so good, first part had me laughing.

    as for jon jenkins, with a name like that i can’t even take your stupid opinion seriously haha.

  • rl - March 20th, 2010

    haha, i love how eisinger mocks everyones comments, “how is it controversial?” you ask? maybe its because this is bullshit that no one really wants to read, heading down that same path daily bread did when they let tommy boy write the disinformation. no, but gosh golly, i dont have a degree in journalism, nor am i intelligent enough to understand why this is PURE gold and how it is, in someway or another, supposedly just satire, and if you cant understand satire, then you’re a fucking retard and don’t deserve to read the gold that is ONE. good job d00ds, you’re subscribers are dropping left and right, all for the sake of being elite and c00l. making rollerblading into high school politics for the fucking win.

  • ri - March 20th, 2010

    Grammar ri? If you don’t subscribe, it’s because you can’t possibly have a job and live with your mom. Lmao.

  • DB - March 20th, 2010

    This will undoubtedly turn the septic tanks of ONE’s conformist readers.

    I would imagine that most readers of this article will fail to recognize it’s intent. The focal point / thesis of this article is the Mushroom Blading video. Which by the way is a must watch. The video showcased an entirely different viewpoint on how to blade and the ONE’s article author has drafted this ‘WEB ROLL’ in a similar fashion. He has clearly poked fun at our established “rollerblading rules” by creating this satire fantasy of our social construct. So, sit back and enjoy this non-customary blade read. Only take it for face value.

  • rl - March 21st, 2010

    haha, always some bullshit excuse.

  • rl - March 21st, 2010

    Always some bullshit excuse.

  • rol247 - March 21st, 2010

    haha stop crying you pussys.

  • Boris - March 21st, 2010

    Don’t hate if you don’t get it.

    Thank you, Hollywood!

  • Ben Karris - March 21st, 2010

    I heard Justin Eisinger skates Valos with NIMH soulplates…What an elitist! I mean, seriously, are Valo souls not good enough for you? gawwsh!


  • Adam johnson - March 21st, 2010

    Priceless that kids take things over the top and fail to realize genius. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Go read the Thrasher weblog. This is 10 times better then the comments on rollernews or be-mag to the mushroom blading video. Also the photoshop is a great addition. Expand your minds, this is rollerblading, not anything more, and definitely not anything less. Also if you think Krans wrote this you stopped reading 1 line too soon.

  • jeff - March 21st, 2010


  • space death - March 21st, 2010

    let the dorks hate

    if you get it, you get it

    the images rule too

    everything doesnt need to sparkle in HD

    we got soul power

  • lerner - March 22nd, 2010

    amazing. i’ll be reading these from now on.

  • David - March 23rd, 2010

    As always, awesome. Every week, i look forward to reading this, Amazing wrtiting for the first part, made me almost burst out laughing in class. As for the other stuff, i am so, so confused. Thank god for Photoshop. “What Do You Believe In” was awesome. I feel sorry for the people who can only think of negative comments for this section. For what it’s worth BE-Mag is biased towards The Conference and Valo, subscribe to both, better coverage combined anyways. Mushroom Blading video’s = Amazing and Refreshing. There is absolutely no reason to hate something just because it is different. Inline is freedom, absolute. Evolution and Regression, all in one.

  • James Q - March 23rd, 2010

    Yo, Dan you freakin suck. You call this WEB ROLL! The sad thing is, you’re purposely being a douchebag. Who hired you anyways? I don’t think Krans had anything to do with it. Really though? I’m not saying be a role model, but have some kind of integrity as a journalist in rollerblading. Oh, and your stories suck, your’e not funny, and you could’nt make ABC make sense with your middle school writing skills. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • James Q - March 23rd, 2010

    And oh yeah I do, “get it”. From my understanding this aint satiric genius if that’s what it means to “get”. Photoshop is played ou too. Every single pic had it, really? Trash is trash……..

  • dirk - March 23rd, 2010

    james q doesnt even rollerblade, all he does is lick ass

  • rl - March 24th, 2010

    be mag is biased towards the conference and valo? hardly. i see valo ads and conference ads in be-mag all the time. never do i see razor ads in ONE. maybe that is on the behalf on razors and choosing what is worth investing in, but something must of influenced them not to support one of the two magazines in rollerblading. hmmm, I wonder why?

  • Me - March 24th, 2010

    rl, you ever thought maybe Sunshine is too cheap to run an ad in ONE? Or maybe they have an advertising budget that isn’t conducive with the pricing for running an ad in ONE. How about maybe they are getting some sort of hot deal with Be-Mag for advertising. I personally do not understand why Razors wouldn’t want to support the one and only blade magazine in the US that the general public can stumble upon on newsstand. If all the haters do not see how important it is to support ONE then I just don’t know?? I guess it would answer why blading is the hot mess it is right now.

    PS. Guess you didn’t check out the latest issue with Billy on the cover. Conference riders throughout the whole issue.

  • rl - March 24th, 2010

    haha, guess you didnt read my comment in full, seeing as a stated that the reason Razors might not put ads in ONE is something on THEIR behalf. Also, did I say there was any bias towards the conference in ONE? No, no i didn’t. I was proving whatever tool it was that said that be-mag is biased towards the conference and valo wrong. So, yeah, you’re wrong on that tip. Hmm, why doesn’t Razors not want to support ONE? Instead of trying to cut them at the jugular and put ALL the blame on just them, maybe think on both sides of the spectrum? Nah d00d, that’s too much thought process for one to handle!

  • rl - March 24th, 2010

    And yes, supporting ONE will save rollerblading.

  • Ash - March 25th, 2010

    Webroll is written to start arguments. It’s doing perfectly.

  • James Q - March 25th, 2010

    Point well taken

  • John Haynes - March 27th, 2010

    you guys are waaaay off… and everyone trying to impart wisdom or speculate on who advertises where and why or why not is only putting out more confusion and just plain nonsense..

    and also, just because something is on the ONE website, or in their pages, does not mean it is on behalf of the magazine or the editors. those disclaimers are not just for fun. I have written things and taken pictures for them that they would most certainly have done differently, but they publish it because they think it is good (being as objective as humanly possible)… when something is funny, its funny, so they publish it.. I work for ONE and I do not hate Valo or AMall or any company or rider as a result of it. The sentiment of my editors is just that; the sentiment of my editors (and no I am not alluding to their feelings on a company or a skater or a person or people, though I can only guess they have feelings). Their feelings are theirs, mine are mine, and hollywood’s are hollywoods.

    basically what i am getting at is its a nice saturday, go blade…

  • soak your nummies - March 31st, 2010

    I enjoy the comments more than the article which I did not read!

  • soak your nummies - March 31st, 2010

    I went against my word and read this – boring! This needs an auto tune shake up pretty badly. Honestly reading the comments is better than this crap. Seriously, are we supposed to listen to a guy rant about videos that are so far past their freshness date. It begs the question of relevance, I mean really is Dan Leifeild relevant. My guess is no, and from reading the comments my guess is right. AJ can stand up for this all he wants considering his face is plastered across it, hmm big surpise that he supports this garbage. I on the other hand dont, and for some reason have clicked to this page again, I honestly have no idea why. I mean what is the vitor arias picture even about? Or any of this photoshop garbage….

  • Jim Lehey - March 31st, 2010

    yeah, mostly dumb. Being an idiot seemed to work ok for skateboarders though. Best of luck.

  • Matt - May 4th, 2010

    Rollerbladers are the whiniest bitches on the planet. No wonder everyone hates us.

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