ONE Staff / December 5th, 2009 / Uncategorized
WEB ROLL #26: Unhinged Nonsense Hellstorm

Given the ass-ripping Krans laid down the past two weeks, we figured he’d have reached maximum velocity and be due for a flame-out. Wrong. With his web-scouring and mega-bitching skills in place, here’s a piece of what’s on Krans’ mind this week. — ONE

The Bacon of Blading

This probably should be the ubiquitous item of the week, but it’s too good to drop in the bottom where most of you have stopped reading to continue in your compulsive masturbation while watching midgets with strap-ons.

However, take another break for a different kind of fist-pumping action — Breakfast.

I’ve never been to Conneticut, but it seems the guys in Cheshire know how to put together a clean HD online (read: free!) video with some damn good skating that’s worth watching numerous times.

Here’s the trailer and other sections on Mark Golembeski’s Vimeo page:

If you need more, check out Drew Amato’s interview posted earlier this week.

The Non-Competitive WRS Finals Winners Are…

Those evil, non-God fearing sons of bitches over at Shock (or think they know everything. This week they even had the balls to say who won the WRS series finals in Vegas a month ago — when the comp wasn’t even going on!

Well, Shockers, let me tell you that blading is all about competing. It’s all about fat checks, big titted bitches, calling everyone else gay, getting mad props, and kicking kids in the throat if they get in our way.

If we didn’t have comps, why the hell would we skate? How would we all get paid? If you skated when the judges weren’t watching, that’s your own fault. You shouldn’t be congratulated for it!

That’s why the official results — the ones handed down by legitimate judges, not just people who know and contribute comedy to blading — are the way they are. Cry about it.

Come Skate Lovely Finland!

I know Finland gets some pretty shitty weather, but I was unaware that in order to skate in dismal condition they had to do so in a fallout shelter, as illustrated on Rollernews.

Then again, it must be nice living in a country where you can convert your tunnels and shelters into skate parks because know no one is going to mess with you because… well… you’re Finland. Except you have to watch out for those sneaky Russians.

Comment of the Week

Our friends over in Iowa are having a New Years eve session/food drive/video premiere/drunk fest and are currently still in the RSVP and planning session. As any good bladers wonder about, what drinking games will be going on?

Host Ryan Miller was trying to get clearance on

So, Ryan, does that mean the wedding is off?

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Tiger Woods. It’s all I fucking hear about, especially from women.

C’mon, is anyone surprised? All that money and fame and not a few ladies on the side? Yeah, just because he might have a pint of vanilla in the fridge at home, that doesn’t mean that Baskin Robbins doesn’t have 30 more flavors at the shop.

Then again, it does give way to ever-changing English vernacular. So when your wife calls and you tell her, “Oh, I’m just Tiger Woods-ing it,” she might be a bit skeptical that you’re on the golf course and not balls deep in some cocktail waitress, the same way if you say, “I’m going OJ” no longer means you’re playing football.

Fail of the Week

It looks like Tony Hawk’s latest corporate whoring of his name and his sport — a skateboard controller for the Wii — isn’t as good as he’d hoped. — Brian Krans

P.S. — Some more advice for the ladies…

Discussion / WEB ROLL #26: Unhinged Nonsense Hellstorm

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  • Simon - December 5th, 2009

    that last picture is fucking classic.

  • buller - December 5th, 2009

    fine written article, funny as hell.

  • Andrew Droid Hall - December 5th, 2009

    Fucking awesome, god the world has so much bad ass news. thanks for everything krans.

  • H.S.Knucklehead - December 6th, 2009

    Hahaha, this one was awesome.

  • wd - December 7th, 2009

    “RIP My Boner” ha ha ha ha ha. So true! How it ever became trendy to wear “I’m pregnant and hiding my big belly clothes” escapes me…

  • JRay - January 3rd, 2010

    HAHA good stuff 🙂 The food drive/skate session/party was amazing.

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