ONE Staff / December 19th, 2009 / Uncategorized
WEB ROLL #28: Getting Closer to Snapping

The holiday spirit (panic?) and a major snowstorm may have you dreaming of sugarplums and new blade gear in your stocking, but Krans is busy finding new and unusual ways to rant about blading. This week amongst carpet skating, Shred Till You’re Dead sections, and bizarre presents he braves the turgid waters of online discussion regarding gender equality in blading. “Chicks, man?” Indeed. Read on. — ONE

If you don’t have a penis… quit.

There are so many days I wake up and thank God that I have a dick. Despite the decades that have passed since the beginning of the women’s liberation movement, girls still don’t have it easy. (Then again, every time I got a speeding ticket I wish I had some boobs to flash to get out of it.)

Nothing illustrated how far behind rollerbladers are when it comes to gender equality than the posting of Coco Sanchez’s bit from the Supergirl comp on Rollernews this week.

Before we go any further, let’s got through the checklist:

* Exposure for blading on national television? Check.

* Skating the biggest shit on the course? Check.

* Doing tech tricks most outsiders won’t get? Check.

* Disaster sweatstance FTW? Check.

* Style while doing it? Check.

* Done by a woman? Whoa, we’ve got problems!

The Good Ol’ Boys Club got their testes in a tizzy…

Okay girls, are you paying attention? We boys are obviously threatened when girls get the special treatment. And no, apparently weren’t not a big family, unified by the wheels on our feet. We’ll eat our own or only see them as a series of wet holes in which to plunk our cocks.

The worst out of all of this is how much people see Coco and immediately go for the Julian Bah bullshit. Really? C’mon. Am I missing something? Is that how she’ll forever be known in this sport, or can we accept she was the victim in it? God, I feel like a douche for even bringing that up.

It saddens and pisses me off that while rollerbladers get made fun of wherever we go, some of us feel the need to pick on the girls. Kind of a double standard, huh?

Hating on the girls’ skating only perpetuates the rollerblading-is-gay mentality. So you know.

“More fun than socks on a polished wood floor”

I feel bad for people who are stuck in some God-forsaken part of the country that’s frozen until March. Since I did that for 27 years of my life, I only feel a little bad.

You have to go way out of your way to scratch the blading itch a little more than normal, whether skating a two-foot long p-rail in a garage not tall enough to house you, or shoveling off a curb to skate it for seven hours.

Winter sucks. But thankfully now there are Fun Slides Carpet Skates to get that shit out of your system for a little bit.

Check out the motherfuckin’ pudder from the promotional video

What is essentially the same as skating a pair of Xsjados with a freestyle setup, now you can blade your house, doing all sorts of stupid shit that will result in absolute certainty that you won’t get your security deposit back.

I wanna see some edits from those. But, you’ll need a camera…

‘Tis the Season…

I hate the holidays for so many reasons. No. 156 is having to get gifts for friends when I barely have enough money to cover rent. I know I’m not alone in this.

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t give from the heart by making those close to you something special out of crap you’d normally throw in the garbage.

As Sexy Dave illustrates on a thread on the Be-Mag message board, a… um… different kind of letter came in from a loyal Rollerwarehouse customer. As the letter, which was accompanied by a “video camera,” explains, “It’s more than a toy, it’s a lifestyle.”

The gift brought up a multitude of questions, one Dave himself can’t answer, “Don’t ask me what drugs he was on because I really don’t know…”

Regardless, it’s time to get out and get them clips, Dave.

Comment of the Week

This is not one bit rollerblading related, but since it’s funnier than fuck, it’s good enough for the girls I go out with.

There’s this guy Justin. He moved back to San Diego to live with his 73-year-old dad. His day says some funny shit, so the Twitter page dedicated to is called http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays:

Basically, just read the posts and apply it to your own life. Like this one: “A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”

See? It’s all about perspective.

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Shred Til You’re Dead: Part II

I know it was only out this Friday, but you know people are going to be all over that shit like pigeons to a pile of puke.

Fail of the Week

This column. Sorry, it was a slow week in blading. — Brian Krans

Discussion / WEB ROLL #28: Getting Closer to Snapping

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  • John Haynes - December 19th, 2009

    its amazing how people are still convinced somehow that the larger population only cares about hard tricks: if people cared, they would watch!

    I love hard tricks as much if not more than anyone, but hating on women because we feel cheated that its not men doing tricks is well, strange, not to mention extremely ignorant…

  • JRay - December 19th, 2009

    Luz @ “but you know people are going to be all over that shit like pigeons to a pile of puke. ”

    Made my day.

  • qcsky - December 19th, 2009

    BEST AS ALWAYS!

  • Glenn Beck - December 19th, 2009

    I for ONE would like to thank B Krans for pullin the gun on this one. Straight sanctuary type bliss gathered around Kran’s latest plan. If you got nothing more to do, thank B Krans for under wait scratch that overstanding the freedom we seek.

  • skyskeezer34 - December 20th, 2009

    This is skyskater.com I like winter.you get to snow skate something that is completely unique.like an ice scupture.and then it goes away in the spring.but I also like it because it is like your skating a cloud. I started rollerblading in 93 thanks arlo it is sweet really sweet and free.Tarmac ce

  • Jeff Frederick IDGAF - December 21st, 2009

    thanks Krans!

  • Jeff Frederick IDGAF - December 21st, 2009

    O ya if ur liking the whole web roll get her done style that is unfolding then realize its been awhile since blading had rap influenced roots bringing fluidity and lots of wannabe mooks.

    Im an old-school head who influenced this get her done movement and the sickness involved with the tricks that these grommets call easy.

    Back then we had more rap influence helping us unravel the recreational side of our creation.

    Check out this clip of me getting sick with it and realize I invented most of the tricks most yall take for granted: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCO0YEFYjvk&feature=related

  • skate2create - December 21st, 2009

    yea we need to stop talking shit when it comes to girls blading.. hey would be kool to have a gf that loves the sport as much as you do and baldes dont you think.. and its somthing new since its a rareity to see any female blader buut its getting more common, and we all know its not just beneficial but a new challenge 😉

  • emo - December 21st, 2009

    Jeff frederick your sections were always the shit!!!!what happen to the hiphop music.now it’s all gay thight pants.and rock music from some guys basement.rollerblading is like emo now or clutish.what the hell happen.

  • seth lloyd - December 24th, 2009

    im sorry but the fact you even bring up the julian/coco deal is not needed… they have both mended their ties to each other and are friends once again… so if you could pertain from bringing it up maybe that would help the entire situation out!

  • Brian Krans - December 25th, 2009

    Seth,

    I agree. That’s why I say I’m a douche for bringing it up, but a commenter on Rollernews was the first and I see it too often. Still, doesn’t excuse me bringing it up, and I assure you I won’t be doing it again. None of my business. None of anyone’s business.

  • Remy Cadier UH44 - December 26th, 2009

    Coco killed it. Jeff , thanks for the flashback. Lovely.

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