The holiday spirit (panic?) and a major snowstorm may have you dreaming of sugarplums and new blade gear in your stocking, but Krans is busy finding new and unusual ways to rant about blading. This week amongst carpet skating, Shred Till You’re Dead sections, and bizarre presents he braves the turgid waters of online discussion regarding gender equality in blading. “Chicks, man?” Indeed. Read on. — ONE

If you don’t have a penis… quit.

There are so many days I wake up and thank God that I have a dick. Despite the decades that have passed since the beginning of the women’s liberation movement, girls still don’t have it easy. (Then again, every time I got a speeding ticket I wish I had some boobs to flash to get out of it.)

Nothing illustrated how far behind rollerbladers are when it comes to gender equality than the posting of Coco Sanchez’s bit from the Supergirl comp on Rollernews this week.

Before we go any further, let’s got through the checklist:

* Exposure for blading on national television? Check.

* Skating the biggest shit on the course? Check.

* Doing tech tricks most outsiders won’t get? Check.

* Disaster sweatstance FTW? Check.

* Style while doing it? Check.

* Done by a woman? Whoa, we’ve got problems!

The Good Ol’ Boys Club got their testes in a tizzy…

Okay girls, are you paying attention? We boys are obviously threatened when girls get the special treatment. And no, apparently weren’t not a big family, unified by the wheels on our feet. We’ll eat our own or only see them as a series of wet holes in which to plunk our cocks.

The worst out of all of this is how much people see Coco and immediately go for the Julian Bah bullshit. Really? C’mon. Am I missing something? Is that how she’ll forever be known in this sport, or can we accept she was the victim in it? God, I feel like a douche for even bringing that up.

It saddens and pisses me off that while rollerbladers get made fun of wherever we go, some of us feel the need to pick on the girls. Kind of a double standard, huh?

Hating on the girls’ skating only perpetuates the rollerblading-is-gay mentality. So you know.

“More fun than socks on a polished wood floor”

I feel bad for people who are stuck in some God-forsaken part of the country that’s frozen until March. Since I did that for 27 years of my life, I only feel a little bad.

You have to go way out of your way to scratch the blading itch a little more than normal, whether skating a two-foot long p-rail in a garage not tall enough to house you, or shoveling off a curb to skate it for seven hours.

Winter sucks. But thankfully now there are Fun Slides Carpet Skates to get that shit out of your system for a little bit.

Check out the motherfuckin’ pudder from the promotional video…

What is essentially the same as skating a pair of Xsjados with a freestyle setup, now you can blade your house, doing all sorts of stupid shit that will result in absolute certainty that you won’t get your security deposit back.

I wanna see some edits from those. But, you’ll need a camera…

‘Tis the Season…

I hate the holidays for so many reasons. No. 156 is having to get gifts for friends when I barely have enough money to cover rent. I know I’m not alone in this.

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t give from the heart by making those close to you something special out of crap you’d normally throw in the garbage.

As Sexy Dave illustrates on a thread on the Be-Mag message board, a… um… different kind of letter came in from a loyal Rollerwarehouse customer. As the letter, which was accompanied by a “video camera,” explains, “It’s more than a toy, it’s a lifestyle.”

The gift brought up a multitude of questions, one Dave himself can’t answer, “Don’t ask me what drugs he was on because I really don’t know…”

Regardless, it’s time to get out and get them clips, Dave.

Comment of the Week

This is not one bit rollerblading related, but since it’s funnier than fuck, it’s good enough for the girls I go out with.

There’s this guy Justin. He moved back to San Diego to live with his 73-year-old dad. His day says some funny shit, so the Twitter page dedicated to is called http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays:

Basically, just read the posts and apply it to your own life. Like this one: “A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”

See? It’s all about perspective.

Ubiquitous Item of the Week

Shred Til You’re Dead: Part II

I know it was only out this Friday, but you know people are going to be all over that shit like pigeons to a pile of puke.

Fail of the Week

This column. Sorry, it was a slow week in blading. — Brian Krans